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How do I get out of this web?
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Dear readers,
Today’s writer is in a marriage she does not want. No matter how her parents and in-laws tried, she just couldn’t fall in love with her husband.
After 10 years she wants to opt out, but how? She needs your advice.
Thanks, Monica Taiwo
DEAR Taiwo,
Please, help me out of this problem. I am 33, and my husband is 57. I met him 10 years ago when I was 22. We lived in the same area when I was trying to get admission to the university.
He came home from Ghana to visit his parents and asked me out. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating him because my utmost ambition then was to go to the university. Moreover, he was too old for me.
He told me then that if I married him he would allow me to go to the university and that I should not see the age difference as a problem as age is just a matter of numbers.
I do not love him and I did not hide this. I thought I had seen his end when he returned to Ghana. I went back to stay with my aunty. I lived with her then because of the proximity of her residence to where I was attending coaching classes for JAMB.
I was, however, surprised when my parents asked me to come home. I could deduce that my mother was angry with the tone of the message she sent to me. We were very close and I could feel her pulse anytime anywhere.
Her mood, especially, affected me because I hate to offend her and I was very sure that I did not misbehave in anyway before leaving for my aunty.
I informed my auntie about my mother’s message and the fact that I wasn’t too comfortable with the tone. She advised me to go home and find out if I was really sure that I did not misbehave before leaving home. I however, pleaded with her to come with me and she did. On getting home, I was shocked by the news I was confronted with. My parents informed my auntie and I that Gabriel’s parents visited to inform them of their son’s intention to marry me and that I have also consented.
They came to ask my parents when it would be convenient for them to come and pay my dowry and bring the engagement stuffs prior to my wedding to their son.
My parents were angry, especially my mother. I am their only child and they desired above all things that I have very good education and they were going out of their ways to do so. Both of them were not educated; they were of the school of thought that only education could liberate anyone and they wanted me liberated.
How on earth would I then think of marriage without telling them and at such a crucial time when I should be studying to make good grades so I could go to the university.
Throughout the time both of them were scolding me, I couldn’t say anything, because I had already told my auntie about Gabriel’s proposal and my response to him even before I was summoned home. My aunty saved the day by prevailing on them to give me the opportunity to say a word or two.
I was then able to explain to them what happened. How Gabriel approached me and what my response was. My mother calmed down a little after I had explained to her and my aunty and I went back to town to continue with my studies. I remember I told my parents that I had no feelings for Gabriel and I wasn’t ready for marriage and that whenever I am ready, I would choose my spouse by myself.
I really did not know what happened, but about six months after, when I was about writing my JAMB examination, I learnt that Gabriel’s family came to my parents and they accepted the dowry and some other engagement stuffs that they brought. I was shocked, and felt worse when my aunty said I should accept my parents’ decision because they knew better.
After my papers, I refused to go home, because I didn’t feel like seeing my parents or Gabriel’s. I, however, had no choice but to go home when my result came and I passed. I needed money to go to school and for other things.
When I saw my parents, they tried to explain to me that they felt Gabriel would take good care of me and he was a better choice than younger boys and that he also loved me. I never knew that Gabriel came back to the village to see my parents while I was away in town studying for my examinations. I also learnt that he wanted to come home and see me whenever I came to the village.
I was angry, but my parents talked me into a marriage that I wasn’t interested in. True to his words, he came home before I went to school and met me. I had no choice but to accept him but on the agreement that I would not have children while in school and that he would allow me go to school and complete my studies. He agreed to all these initially, but I was surprised when his parents started raising eyebrows that I refused to stay in the family house whenever I came back home from school.
I did not mince words to tell them that I wasn’t legally married to their son and I could stay wherever I wanted. I was, however, surprised when my pastor called me during my next holiday that since they were my parents-in-law, I have a duty to stay with them any time I came home.
Gabriel also called and wrote to me to help take care of his parents. At a time his father became ill, he pleaded that I should help take care of him. I tried my best but unfortunately, he died. He came home for the burial and insisted that he wanted to sleep with me. I refused. I was a virgin and till date remain a virgin. The bottom line is, I don’t love him and I cannot marry a man I do not love.
Aunty Taiwo, I have finished schooling and youth service and I already have a well paid job in Lagos State where I served. I also have lost my father. Gabriel has taken his mother to Ghana after his father’s death. He is also an only child. Now he wants me to come and join him in Ghana. He is not getting younger; he wants children, so do his mother and my mother. I don’t even have an iota of feelings for him.
I am not dating anybody. There is nothing under the earth he has not accused me of. My mother and I spoke about him recently and my resolve remained the same. She pleaded with me to give him a chance. What type of chance? Does she expect me to pretend?.
Please, help me. How do I get out of this problem? As bad as I feel, I still have not changed my surname. He even said he was ready for us to have a church marriage or the registry, but I am not interested because I don’t love him. What can I do?
Anike.
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Did he assist you financially while you were in school or at any other time? If he did, calculate how much he gave you plus the dowry or the financial inducement he gave your parents and return them back to him.
Once you've done this, please look for a suitable man and marry. To marry a man you don't feel for is hell on earth. You only have one life, please don't enter this dungeon. If after ten years your feelings about him have not changed, I doubt if it ever will. God bless and good luck with your search for a suitable suitor.